Today, Julia* is on my mind. Julia, a Los Angeles tenth grader, has been consistently coming to Step Up's after-school program since the beginning of the year, and I've been consistently trying to figure her out.
Julia laughs a lot—most notably after she's been given a compliment. ("Julia, I'm really proud of you" once led to an all-out fit of giggles.) She has a curious tendency towards sudden bathroom emergencies when serious conversation topics come up. When she can't physically escape a discussion, she retreats into her phone—it has a way of sneaking out of her pocket—or simply her own mind. "I don't know" and "What did you say?" are two of her favorite responses to questions.
At the beginning of the year, I was frustrated with myself due to my seeming inability to reach her. No matter how engaging I tried to make my lessons or how attentively I listened, I couldn't break through her giggles. But week after week, she kept showing up, and I keep trying to truly know her.
A dream starts taking shape
The initial hint of change was so imperceptible, I didn't notice it until much later. The first module of tenth grade curriculum focuses on vision, and as part of it we set small goals to work towards over a period of five weeks. Surprisingly, Julia was the first one with an idea.
"Miss, I want to do a research project. On my dream career."
"Wow, ok. That sounds great. What's the career?"
"Oh. No that doesn't matter. It's just....Never mind."
"Are you sure? Do you want to whisper it in my ear?"
"Umm..."
"Or maybe you could write it on a piece of paper and give it to me."
"Ok. But you have to throw it away after."
And that's how I learned about Julia's dream. (Sorry, for now the specifics are still a secret.) That's also how I started to understand Julia. Initially, all she could say was that she was too embarrassed to tell anyone else her goal, but over the next few weeks, her thinking started to unfold. Julia wasn't really embarrassed—she was scared. Scared to admit something that other people might scoff at ("What if it's too big of a dream?"), and scared to say something out loud that she might potentially fail at. As it turns out, Julia's fears aren't so different than mine.
Paying attention to the little things
Julia and I are both still evolving, as is our relationship. But as I've come to know her better, I also know better what to listen and look for during our time together. When she picks up her phone, she's not blowing me off for friends on Snapchat—she's reading a book, because at the moment reality is just a little too much.
I started the year with a clear idea of what growth in my girls would look like, and a general timeline on which it would happen. Julia has taught me that my ideas and my timelines are pretty much irrelevant. I need to figure out where each of my girls is, meet her at that place and move forward at a pace that works for both of us.
A (confident) big step
These days, I'm more excited by Julia than I am frustrated. Progress is slow and at times halting, but it's there. Last week, she signed up for the "I Dream To..." Conference presented by AOL Charitable Foundation, where we match girls with mentors working in career fields they aspire to someday join. To sign up, she had to submit her three dream careers. Only a few people will see how she responded but it still seems significant that she didn't hesitate before writing down her answers. I can't wait to see what happens at "I Dream To..." when she meets her mentor, and I'm just as excited to write another blog post that details the continued emergence of her self-confidence.
*Name has been changed!
Paula Kashtan is a regular contributor to Step Up's blog.
